Forgiveness -What is it really about?

Forgiveness - What is it really about?

 

Forgiveness is such a huge topic.  Where do I begin?  Well, I'll start with our family of origin.  They help to shape who we are as individuals.  Our mother, and father are the most important people in our lives from the moment we are born.  If we are lucky we have a loving mother who cuddles us, feeds us, and loves us unconditionally.  And if we are lucky we have a father who spends time with us, and teaches us how to live in this world.  But, for most of us, our parents are flawed human beings.  They are products of their own upbringing and they carry their own scars from their childhoods.  And, most of our parents are not aware of the ways they might have hurt us.

Maybe you had a mother who criticized you constantly.  Maybe your father used physical punishment to discipline you.  Maybe, no matter how hard you tried, you could not get your parents approval.  Perhaps you have a parent who stopped talking to you and you never had a chance to heal that relationship.  Perhaps, that parent has passed away and you are left with your feelings of hurt\, your feelings of abandonment.   Now what?  Do you cling to those feelings and feel bitterness and resentment?  You could, but you have a choice.

And here's the choice.  Do I want to live in the swamp of my resentment?  I could do that and I would feel depressed, or full of rage.  I could waste my days with feeling so sorry for myself.  Why me God?  What did I do to deserve this?  Well, actually, you did nothing.  Whatever your parents did to you was from their own emotional baggage.  So now, you have a choice.

You can choose to forgive them.  That does not mean you condone what they did.  Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself.  Forgiveness frees you to love again, to live again, and to enjoy your life.  Who doesn't want peace and love in their hearts?

So how to forgive?  Here is a simple formula you can use.  You can pray that the person you resent have joy in their lives.  Or you could pray that the person you resent have peace and love in their lives.  When you pray for them, you receive the gift of love, peace, and joy.  But you must do this every day for at least a month.  And, every time, your feelings of hurt and bitterness pass through your mind, pray again for that person you resent.  Our minds are incredibly powerful.  And our thoughts and prayers shape us.  We can become better human beings each day.  The choice is ours.

The Importance of Kindness

     We all know the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  Or the other way of saying this is from Leviticus, which states, "That which is hateful to you, do not do to another person."  Many of us believe that as long as we do not injure another person on purpose, we have fulfilled that commandment.  That is only the surface level of this commandment.  It's relatively easy to avoid doing anything to harm another physically.  But, how often, do we harm others emotionally?  Sometimes, we do it unintentionally, but sometimes we do it intentionally.

     Another way of saying this is to love your neighbor as yourself.  And your neighbor is everyone you come in contact with.  We all have contact, though superficial, with a salesperson, with a mailman, with a bus driver, with a person we may pass on the street, etc, etc, etc.  Do we smile at them?  Do we say hello to others we may pass on the street?  Do we think of other's happiness, or are we consumed with our own, self-centered thoughts and tasks.  The sad truth is that most of us think about ourselves, the majority of the time.

     You may ask, "Isn't that normal?"  Maybe.  But we are not fulfilling one of the greatest commandments.  Ask yourself, "Have I done anything for someone today, just simply to enrich that person"s life?  Have I done anything, without a thought of a reward to myself.  

     The power of kindness to others is well documented.  We know, through studies, that when we perform an act of kindness, we benefit ourselves, and we benefit the other person.  Simply put, we feel good when we can help another.  This goes even further.  Anyone who may witness our act of kindness also benefits emotionally.  An act of kindness can be as simple as holding a door open for the next person.  And another benefit of doing a kind act is that we are motivated to do more acts of kindness.

     The Bible is so clear about this.  We are told to help the widow and the orphan.  We are told to leave the edges of our fields unharvested, so that the poor may gather food.  Let's put that into modern terms.  In this country we have an abundance of food.  Well, most of us have an abundance of food.  But, some children go to bed hungry.  That is a crime in such a rich country as ours.  

     So, what can I do?  I can bring some cans of food to the local food pantry.  If I can't do that, I can give some of my time to help out at a soup kitchen.

     But, here's the most difficult part of that commandment.  What if my neighbor hurts me, emotionally?  Do I want revenge?  That is usually our first reaction.  But, if we hold onto that bitterness for too long, we punish ourselves, over and over.  We replay the scene in our heads over and over.   And we feel all of the hurt feelings over and over.  What if we never get an apology?  That's even more reason to let go of the hurt.  We can learn to forgive the person who hurt us.  We forgive to benefit ourselves.  The person who has hurt us has gone on with their lives.  We need to go on with our lives.

     I wish you all the gift of forgiveness.

Living The Serenity Prayer

Living The Serenity Prayer

Here it is:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference

This is a simple little prayer, right?  Yes, it is simple, but hard to live in our lives.  First, of all, I know, intellectually, that I cannot change another person.  But, does that stop me from trying?   Of course not.  When I was newly married, I decided that I was going to put my husband on a diet.  Did I ask him what he wanted?  No, I just went out and bought "Weight Watchers Cookbook."  That's what a good wife was supposed to do in the '60's.  So what happened?  I cooked some wonderful recipes from this cookbook.  I lost weight and my husband didn't.  He didn't even thank me.  Why?  Because he never told me he wanted to lose weight!  On the contrary, he was perfectly happy as he was.

Now, let's fast forward to today.  I leave my husband to choose his own diet.  Diet, is the wrong word to use.  He eats cookies, cake, pies, etc. and he has no intention of stopping.  He is almost 80 years old and it hasn't killed him yet.  Most importantly, it is none of my business.  The same is true of all three of my adult children.  They lead their own lives.  Do I always like their choices? No.  But again, it is none of my business.  I have learned not to give advice unless I am asked.  I have learned to say, when I'm speaking to my children, "Do you want my advice or do you want me to listen?"   I am not perfect with this rule.  There are times I slip and start to give my opinion or advice.  My kids are very forgiving.  They do not tell me to shut up.  They then do whatever they had intended to do anyway.

Who else do I have no control over?  Well, my friends, my neighbors, my spiritual leaders, my congregation that I belong to, the mailman, the weather, etc, etc. etc.  Basically I have no control over anyone else in the world.  That makes it easy.  I only have to control myself.  And there are times that I don't even do that too well.  Sometimes, words pop out of my mouth that make me say oops.  Then I have to make amends.

So what can I control?  I can control my attitude towards other people.  I can be forgiving to those that have hurt me.  I am constantly working on this one.  Instead of wanting revenge, which is usually my go to feeling,  I can bless them.  They never have to know that I am silently praying for them.  Because it's not about them!  It's about me.  I don't want to carry resentments.  Resentments harm me, not the person that I am resenting.  Resentments keep me bitter and hardhearted.  That is what the Pharaoh was to the children of Israel as they were escaping slavery.  He was hardhearted and he was killed.  I don't want that in my life.  I don't want to be spiritually dead.  So, I constantly pray blessings over the people who have hurt me.  They probably don't even know they have hurt me, or more likely, they don't care.  That doesn't matter.  What matters is that I try to be a loving and caring person.  At the very least, I don't have to hate anyone.  They are struggling with their own lives. 

I have learned to forgive my parents.  They did some harm to me, but they also give me good qualities. They are both deceased and I want them to be at peace, and I want to be at peace.  I wish all of you peace, love, and joy in your lives today.

 

 

When Bad Things Happen to People - Number II

     It is now 7 years since I wrote my article,  "When Bad Things Happen to People."  Since that time my life has changed significantly.  I have had more physical problems.  In 2009 I found out that I had an angioma which was bleeding into my spinal cord.  I had surgery to remove it.  The surgery was successful in removing the culprit, but it left me with permanent deficits, I am now numb from my waist down to my toes.  I am learning acceptance again.  I am learning to accept myself, with my physical changes.  I am learning this lesson only with God"s help.  God is teaching me to be grateful for what I can still do.

                             I am grateful that I can still walk.
                    I am grateful that I can drive.
                    I am grateful for my family that loves me 
                    and supports me.
                    I am grateful for my friends who accept me
                    as I am.
                    I am grateful that I can enjoy a beautiful 
                    summer day.

                    I am grateful that I can still dance. 

                        There is so much more that I can be grateful for.  This has been a 

                   difficult journey.  I would never have chosen this path for myself.

                   but here it is.  Each day I have to pray for acceptance of my physical 

                   condition.  Each day is a new day and I have to know that all is well 

                   and that all my needs will be met.  I may not get everything that I 

                   want, but I will get everything that I need.   

                          Each day, I can choose my attitude.  I can be angry and resentful  

                   or I can enjoy my life exactly as it is.  I can enjoy having lunch with 

                   my daughter and my grandson.  I can enjoy the fact that they want to 

                   spend time with me.  I can curse my disability or I can focus on the 

                   beauty of the day.  I can focus on my magnificent purple flowers on

                  the front steps of my home.  I can focus on the blueness of the sky and 

                  the fluffy white clouds floating by my window  I can question why me 

                  God?  I can also choose to know that I don't have that answer and

                  perhaps I am not supposed to have that answer.  The more important 

                  question needs to be, "What am I doing with my life today?"  Do I feel 

                  sorry for myself?  I admit that sometimes I do.  But I try not to stay

                  sorry for myself.  That gets me nowhere because it doesn't change my 

                  physical condition and I've just added an emotional problem.  I want 

                  to choose gratitude because gratitude lifts my spirits and gives me the

                  energy to live the best life that I can live today.

                             I wish you all acceptance of yourself, acceptance of others, and 

                  joy and peace in your life.  We are all part of a Great Plan.  We are all 

                  exactly where we are supposed to be today.  Relish your life!  Enjoy

                  your life today!  Thank God for all of your gifts and talents.  Use those

                  gifts to make this a better world.

  

                   

Are You Codependent?

     Codependence is a term which has been around since the 1980's.  It is usually associated with having a family member who is an alcoholic, or a drug addict.  The codependent in the family tries to "fix" or change the alcoholic, or the drug addict.  Of course, this never works, and the codependent becomes angry, anxious, and emotionally out of control.

     Can you be codependent and not have an alcoholic or a drug addict in the family?  Absolutely!  All it takes is growing up in a dysfunctional family.  Dysfunction is another term that we throw around very lightly.  A dysfunctional family teaches all it's members, not to think, and not to feel.  We are taught not to trust our own feelings.  Basically, we are taught not to trust ourselves.

     Here is a perfect example of a codependent exchange between a child and a parent.  

     The child says,  "I hate my baby brother."

     The parent says, "Oh no you don't hate him, you love him."

     The child learns two things, 1. My emotions are bad. 2. I will not express my emotions out loud.  The child is also not allowed to let his/her emotions have their natural progression.  After all, he may "hate" his baby brother one minute, and then be playing with him the next minute.

     So, if you've not learned to trust yourself, what do you do?  You look for affirmation outside of yourself, affirmation from others.  Codependents want to be liked by everyone.  They become anxious if someone doesn't like them.  After all, we will encounter people who do not like us.  All of us will encounter that.  If we have realistic expectations we will know that and accept that.

     Codependents become consumed with changing others.  They may want to change a spouse,  a sibling, or a friend.  The problem is that it is an impossible task.  The obvious answer is that we cannot change anyone but ourselves.

     We may know that intellectually, but our emotions may get all twisted up when we hear a loved one's problems.  Even if you have the best of intentions, you can only suggest answers, you cannot change another.  And you can only suggest answers, if the person ASKS FOR IT.

     It's even hard to change ourselves.  Most of us need the help of a Higher Power.  That's why I often refer clients to a 12 Step Program such as CODA or Al-Anon.  We are not alone.  We are never alone.

When Bad Things Happen to Good People

I wrote this article for my column in The Times newspaper. Since that writing this has become so much more real to me. I have had a physical problem that no doctor, chiropractor, physical therapist, etc. had been able to help me with. Now my own words have come back to haunt me. When bad thnigs happen to good people is now me! So I'll rewrite the parts of my aricle that I think will be helpful to you and to me also.
I am fortunate enough to belong to an interfaith group. We meet once a month and share various topics. No one imposes their point of view, we just share our experiences. This month the topic was "When Good Things Happen to Good People., by Harold Kushner.
One of the first things our leader pointed out was the first word, "when". Notice the title didn't say "if" bad things will happen it says "when". What a concept. What if we just accepted that we will go through difficult periods of our lives. For some of us it's physical illness, either ourselves or family members. For some of us it's unemployment, divorce, or the death of a loved one. Sometimes we get several of these all at once.
Now, this is what is going on in my life. I've lost a dear cousin to cancer, a close friend is dying of cancer, and I can't find a solution to the pain I've had for almost two years. I'm angry, I'm sad. I rail against Nature, against God, forgive me for that. I look for answers. They are not there yet. Will they come? I certainly hope so.
Now, I struggle to accept all of this. It's so easy to say, just accept. But acceptance is such a messy process. It takes us time to go through all of the emotions.
Then I wrote this in my previous article: Difficult times are the times we reassess our lives. Again that's so easy to say but hard to do. When we're in the middle of a painful time, physical or emotional, we just want the pain to end. Maybe then we can reassess our lives. I know that to heal from emotional pain we need to feel it and go through it to the other end. I'm not so sure what to do with physical pain which doen't go away. Maybe some of you who are much wiser have better answers.
Why do we have pain? I don't really know. Perhaps we do become people and are able to help others going through the same pain as we are. I wish there was an easier way. I would take it in a second.
I do know that if I look back on my difficult times they always ended and I did grow emotionally and spiritually.
For today I wish all of you Peace, Love, and Joy.
Myrna

Learning to Love Yourself

We are taught to love our neighbors as ourselves. However, are we taught to love ourselves? Or are we taught that to praise oneself is prideful? We are not given good models about how to have healthy self-esteem.
If I cannot love and respect myself how can I truly love others? Yet, we seem to have the hardest time respecting and loving ourselves. One of the most common problems I encounter in my clients is lack of self-esteem. They seem to hold themselves to a higher standard than anyone else in their lives. They expect more from themselves than is humanly possible. And, of course, they cannot live up to their own high standards. Consequently, they feel they have failed.
You may ask, "How can I begin to love myself?" One of the simplest ways to start is to take care of your physical needs. It sounds so simple, but how often do we do it? Begin by eating when you are hungry. And feed your body with nutritious food.
Respect your body and your body will take care of you.
When you are tired, plan a rest time in your day. Even if it's just ten minutes you will feel refreshed.
If you don't take care of your body, who will? Relationships are also very important in our lives. We may have r4relationships that nuture us emotionally. But we may have some relationships that tear us down.
These are the people in our lives who don't respect us. These are the people in our lives we can never please no matter what we do. These people can drain our energy and our self-worth.
If we respect ourselves and love ourselves we will make every attempt to surround ourselves with people who nourish our hearts and souls. This is critical. We need to have people who support and love us. This is not optional. This is a requirement for a healthy life.
If you love yourself, you can love others.
If you respect yourself you can respect others.
Even if there is someone in your life who does not respect you, that is not your problem. You still must respect yourself. You must learn that loving ourselves is an inside job. This may be the most powerful lesson in your life. It is healthy to love yourself.