When Bad Things Happen to People - Number II

     It is now 7 years since I wrote my article,  "When Bad Things Happen to People."  Since that time my life has changed significantly.  I have had more physical problems.  In 2009 I found out that I had an angioma which was bleeding into my spinal cord.  I had surgery to remove it.  The surgery was successful in removing the culprit, but it left me with permanent deficits, I am now numb from my waist down to my toes.  I am learning acceptance again.  I am learning to accept myself, with my physical changes.  I am learning this lesson only with God"s help.  God is teaching me to be grateful for what I can still do.

                             I am grateful that I can still walk.
                    I am grateful that I can drive.
                    I am grateful for my family that loves me 
                    and supports me.
                    I am grateful for my friends who accept me
                    as I am.
                    I am grateful that I can enjoy a beautiful 
                    summer day.

                    I am grateful that I can still dance. 

                        There is so much more that I can be grateful for.  This has been a 

                   difficult journey.  I would never have chosen this path for myself.

                   but here it is.  Each day I have to pray for acceptance of my physical 

                   condition.  Each day is a new day and I have to know that all is well 

                   and that all my needs will be met.  I may not get everything that I 

                   want, but I will get everything that I need.   

                          Each day, I can choose my attitude.  I can be angry and resentful  

                   or I can enjoy my life exactly as it is.  I can enjoy having lunch with 

                   my daughter and my grandson.  I can enjoy the fact that they want to 

                   spend time with me.  I can curse my disability or I can focus on the 

                   beauty of the day.  I can focus on my magnificent purple flowers on

                  the front steps of my home.  I can focus on the blueness of the sky and 

                  the fluffy white clouds floating by my window  I can question why me 

                  God?  I can also choose to know that I don't have that answer and

                  perhaps I am not supposed to have that answer.  The more important 

                  question needs to be, "What am I doing with my life today?"  Do I feel 

                  sorry for myself?  I admit that sometimes I do.  But I try not to stay

                  sorry for myself.  That gets me nowhere because it doesn't change my 

                  physical condition and I've just added an emotional problem.  I want 

                  to choose gratitude because gratitude lifts my spirits and gives me the

                  energy to live the best life that I can live today.

                             I wish you all acceptance of yourself, acceptance of others, and 

                  joy and peace in your life.  We are all part of a Great Plan.  We are all 

                  exactly where we are supposed to be today.  Relish your life!  Enjoy

                  your life today!  Thank God for all of your gifts and talents.  Use those

                  gifts to make this a better world.

  

                   

Are You Codependent?

     Codependence is a term which has been around since the 1980's.  It is usually associated with having a family member who is an alcoholic, or a drug addict.  The codependent in the family tries to "fix" or change the alcoholic, or the drug addict.  Of course, this never works, and the codependent becomes angry, anxious, and emotionally out of control.

     Can you be codependent and not have an alcoholic or a drug addict in the family?  Absolutely!  All it takes is growing up in a dysfunctional family.  Dysfunction is another term that we throw around very lightly.  A dysfunctional family teaches all it's members, not to think, and not to feel.  We are taught not to trust our own feelings.  Basically, we are taught not to trust ourselves.

     Here is a perfect example of a codependent exchange between a child and a parent.  

     The child says,  "I hate my baby brother."

     The parent says, "Oh no you don't hate him, you love him."

     The child learns two things, 1. My emotions are bad. 2. I will not express my emotions out loud.  The child is also not allowed to let his/her emotions have their natural progression.  After all, he may "hate" his baby brother one minute, and then be playing with him the next minute.

     So, if you've not learned to trust yourself, what do you do?  You look for affirmation outside of yourself, affirmation from others.  Codependents want to be liked by everyone.  They become anxious if someone doesn't like them.  After all, we will encounter people who do not like us.  All of us will encounter that.  If we have realistic expectations we will know that and accept that.

     Codependents become consumed with changing others.  They may want to change a spouse,  a sibling, or a friend.  The problem is that it is an impossible task.  The obvious answer is that we cannot change anyone but ourselves.

     We may know that intellectually, but our emotions may get all twisted up when we hear a loved one's problems.  Even if you have the best of intentions, you can only suggest answers, you cannot change another.  And you can only suggest answers, if the person ASKS FOR IT.

     It's even hard to change ourselves.  Most of us need the help of a Higher Power.  That's why I often refer clients to a 12 Step Program such as CODA or Al-Anon.  We are not alone.  We are never alone.

When Bad Things Happen to Good People

I wrote this article for my column in The Times newspaper. Since that writing this has become so much more real to me. I have had a physical problem that no doctor, chiropractor, physical therapist, etc. had been able to help me with. Now my own words have come back to haunt me. When bad thnigs happen to good people is now me! So I'll rewrite the parts of my aricle that I think will be helpful to you and to me also.
I am fortunate enough to belong to an interfaith group. We meet once a month and share various topics. No one imposes their point of view, we just share our experiences. This month the topic was "When Good Things Happen to Good People., by Harold Kushner.
One of the first things our leader pointed out was the first word, "when". Notice the title didn't say "if" bad things will happen it says "when". What a concept. What if we just accepted that we will go through difficult periods of our lives. For some of us it's physical illness, either ourselves or family members. For some of us it's unemployment, divorce, or the death of a loved one. Sometimes we get several of these all at once.
Now, this is what is going on in my life. I've lost a dear cousin to cancer, a close friend is dying of cancer, and I can't find a solution to the pain I've had for almost two years. I'm angry, I'm sad. I rail against Nature, against God, forgive me for that. I look for answers. They are not there yet. Will they come? I certainly hope so.
Now, I struggle to accept all of this. It's so easy to say, just accept. But acceptance is such a messy process. It takes us time to go through all of the emotions.
Then I wrote this in my previous article: Difficult times are the times we reassess our lives. Again that's so easy to say but hard to do. When we're in the middle of a painful time, physical or emotional, we just want the pain to end. Maybe then we can reassess our lives. I know that to heal from emotional pain we need to feel it and go through it to the other end. I'm not so sure what to do with physical pain which doen't go away. Maybe some of you who are much wiser have better answers.
Why do we have pain? I don't really know. Perhaps we do become people and are able to help others going through the same pain as we are. I wish there was an easier way. I would take it in a second.
I do know that if I look back on my difficult times they always ended and I did grow emotionally and spiritually.
For today I wish all of you Peace, Love, and Joy.
Myrna

Learning to Love Yourself

We are taught to love our neighbors as ourselves. However, are we taught to love ourselves? Or are we taught that to praise oneself is prideful? We are not given good models about how to have healthy self-esteem.
If I cannot love and respect myself how can I truly love others? Yet, we seem to have the hardest time respecting and loving ourselves. One of the most common problems I encounter in my clients is lack of self-esteem. They seem to hold themselves to a higher standard than anyone else in their lives. They expect more from themselves than is humanly possible. And, of course, they cannot live up to their own high standards. Consequently, they feel they have failed.
You may ask, "How can I begin to love myself?" One of the simplest ways to start is to take care of your physical needs. It sounds so simple, but how often do we do it? Begin by eating when you are hungry. And feed your body with nutritious food.
Respect your body and your body will take care of you.
When you are tired, plan a rest time in your day. Even if it's just ten minutes you will feel refreshed.
If you don't take care of your body, who will? Relationships are also very important in our lives. We may have r4relationships that nuture us emotionally. But we may have some relationships that tear us down.
These are the people in our lives who don't respect us. These are the people in our lives we can never please no matter what we do. These people can drain our energy and our self-worth.
If we respect ourselves and love ourselves we will make every attempt to surround ourselves with people who nourish our hearts and souls. This is critical. We need to have people who support and love us. This is not optional. This is a requirement for a healthy life.
If you love yourself, you can love others.
If you respect yourself you can respect others.
Even if there is someone in your life who does not respect you, that is not your problem. You still must respect yourself. You must learn that loving ourselves is an inside job. This may be the most powerful lesson in your life. It is healthy to love yourself.

Letting Go of Worry

One of my clients, Mary, just asked me an excellent question. She read my last post on "Acceptance and Letting Go". Her words were, "I know I can't change another person, but how do I stop worrying about their behavior? How do I stop worrying about the consequences of their destructive behavior?"
I'll give you some of my ideas about this topic. Please feel free to add your comments, experiences, etc. Together we can have more wisdom than any one of us can.
We have all been there. We see a loved one who is eating compulsively, or drinking compulsively, or in a bad relationship, etc. The list goes on and on. So what do we do? We attempt to give them our solution to their problems. I don't know about you but I've never had another person follow my advice when they didn't ask me for it. And sometimes they ask my advice and then completely ignore it.
The first thing we have to look at and we have to be completely honest with ourselves about this. We have to know that we are bringing OUR PERSPECTIVE to the situation. And we always believe that our perspective is the right one. We never think that we might be wrong, or partially wrong, or that the other person doesn't see it that way at all.
Just consider this. Is it possible that the person you are worrying about needs to learn an important life lesson from the situation they are in. And if you get in the way that they may never learn what it is they need to.
It is also pssible that you're sending out the message, "You can't take care of yourself. Therefore I'll do it for you." It's funny that God gives us free will to make our choices in life. Is it possible that you're playing God in someone's life. Usually our intentions are good. Usually we want the best for a family member or friend. However, we're taking away their free will.
Remember a time in your own life when you were struggling with a problem. It could have been the end of a relationship, the loss of a parent or spouse, or even the loss of our health. Did you learn something from your pain that you couldn't have learned in any other way? Can you look back at that painful time and know that you needed that to grow, either emotionally, or spiritually?
The best thing that we can do for ourloved ones is to let them know that we are available if they need us. And then we can step back and pray for them. We can put them in God's hands. After all His Hands are so much more powerful than ours. He knows the answers. We do not. One woman in my Women's Coaching Group had a wonderful way to do this. She found a garden chair in the shape of a huge hand. She pictured that as God's Hands. She placed her problems and her family's problems in that Hand.
Put down your burdens and know that you don't need to have all the answers. Surrender to your Higher Power and just let him work. And have patience, the answers come in His time and not in our time.

Acceptance and Letting Go

The term "acceptance" is rarely used in our everyday lives. I first heard the phrase at 12 Step meetings. Alcoholics Anonymous the granddaddy of all 12 Step programs put it into words beautifully.
On page 449 of the AA Big Book it states, "Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, And i can find no serenity until I accept that person, place or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment."
What a concept! It is exactly the opposite of the way most of us live our lives. We want to change others, our spouses. our bosses, our parents, or other family members. We want them to behave in such a way as to make our lives easier. We are so sure that if only they took our advice their lives would be better.
Even if we are right, and other's lives would be better if they took our advice, they rarely listen to us. They rarely listen because they haven't asked our opinions.
We obsess over other's problems because they we don't have to think about our problems and ourselves. The fact is that you and I cannot change another person. We are powerless to do that. We may have some influence but each person is responsible for himself or herself. And there are so many other things we cannot change. We cannot change the weather. We cannot change our height. We may be able to change our weight however. The sun will rise each morning and set each night. The seasons come and go. Luckily, we are not in charge of that.
So what can we change? It's so simple. We can only change ourselves. But it's not easy to look at ourselves. It's not easy to see our defects. Sometimes, it's not easy to see our assets. But life is much simpler and more satisfying when we concentrate on what we really can change.
And the fact is that what we resist, persists. Life is a dichotomy in that way. When we fight something in our lives it's likely it will persist.
Does acceptance mean that I have to like everything and everyone?
No. Does acceptance mean that I am passive and don't take action when I can? No.
Acceptance means changing what you can and letting go of the rest.

Acceptance and Letting Go