Codependence is a term which has been around since the 1980's. It is usually associated with having a family member who is an alcoholic, or a drug addict. The codependent in the family tries to "fix" or change the alcoholic, or the drug addict. Of course, this never works, and the codependent becomes angry, anxious, and emotionally out of control.
Can you be codependent and not have an alcoholic or a drug addict in the family? Absolutely! All it takes is growing up in a dysfunctional family. Dysfunction is another term that we throw around very lightly. A dysfunctional family teaches all it's members, not to think, and not to feel. We are taught not to trust our own feelings. Basically, we are taught not to trust ourselves.
Here is a perfect example of a codependent exchange between a child and a parent.
The child says, "I hate my baby brother."
The parent says, "Oh no you don't hate him, you love him."
The child learns two things, 1. My emotions are bad. 2. I will not express my emotions out loud. The child is also not allowed to let his/her emotions have their natural progression. After all, he may "hate" his baby brother one minute, and then be playing with him the next minute.
So, if you've not learned to trust yourself, what do you do? You look for affirmation outside of yourself, affirmation from others. Codependents want to be liked by everyone. They become anxious if someone doesn't like them. After all, we will encounter people who do not like us. All of us will encounter that. If we have realistic expectations we will know that and accept that.
Codependents become consumed with changing others. They may want to change a spouse, a sibling, or a friend. The problem is that it is an impossible task. The obvious answer is that we cannot change anyone but ourselves.
We may know that intellectually, but our emotions may get all twisted up when we hear a loved one's problems. Even if you have the best of intentions, you can only suggest answers, you cannot change another. And you can only suggest answers, if the person ASKS FOR IT.
It's even hard to change ourselves. Most of us need the help of a Higher Power. That's why I often refer clients to a 12 Step Program such as CODA or Al-Anon. We are not alone. We are never alone.
